Love, Electronic Style

A new internet trend, for better or for worse.

by Mara Voukydis

     Boy meets Girl. They go out for hamburgers. They are nervous at first, and exchange awkward first date small talk in which they try to tell their life stories in funny, yet revealing anecdotes. They like each other and date again. Soon they start a relationship. Maybe they even break up to see other people, but eventually get back together. When they're separated, they only think of each other. Boy thinks, "She's the one." Girl thinks, "This is it." They realize that they are in love. Girl bites her nails and waits for the workday to finish so she can see Boy. They love each other. They wear each other's clothes, but don't sport matching outfits. They know all the same answers to Trivial Pursuit, and they always win at Win, Lose or Draw. Finally, they're ready to take the plunge...
     One day, Girl's computer says, "You've Got Mail!" There is something different about that robotic voice today, something beckoning, something special. She has a message which says, "You have a electronic card waiting for you from 'Lil' Muffin' at www.123greetings.com." She retrieves her card. It is a picture of two hearts with an arrow through them. Her own heart pounds. A synthesized version of "When I'm Sixty Four" kicks in through her computer speakers. Across the picture it says in ribbony cursive, "Let us join our hearts together." Underneath, in midnight blue:
"Help! I'm shot in the heart
By Cupid's arrow
Now only you can save me!
Please marry me!"

     Welcome to romance in the electronic age. 123Greetings doesn't know for sure if anyone actually has used their electronic marriage proposal cards, but odds are that someone has. With four different picture choices, there's an option for everyone. Besides the traditional "hearts and arrow" design, customers can choose a male cat serenading a female cat with, complete with banjo accompaniment, in a romantic gondola setting. Then there is the copy right-infringement friendly quasi-Archie and Veronica wedding proposal. For the quirky couple, there is a card that features a man-frog performing a flirtatious jig for an unidentifiable large-bosomed yellow critter dressed as a Southern Belle. Besides the picture, the customer can select the color of the background, a musical accompaniment, the style of the text (my favorite is "funky"), and a pre-written message. For the ambitious, there is even the write-your-own-message option.
     On-line marriage proposals: rad or bad? Romantic or frantic? Does an on-line proposal signal a marriage based on miscommunication? Marriage counselor, Lisa D Bentson, MSW, does not think so. "While it's not the ideal situation, I don't see it as particularly unhealthy either. Assuming the couple has had face to face communication and spent quality time together, an on-line proposal isn't that romantic, but neither does it spell disaster."
     Robin Lee Hatcher, the romance novelist behind such best sellers as Pirate's Lady and Stormy Surrender, is skeptical about the electronic tactic, "Would I want to receive a proposal that way? No. I'm old-fashioned. I like the down on one knee and a bouquet of roses approach myself. It doesn't fit my notion of romance." No cats-in-a-gondola for her.
     Mrs. Hatcher does concede that in some circumstances, the electronic way may be the best approach. "If the person sending the proposal had the right reasons for doing it that way and the right way to say it, he could possibly change my mind."
     Susan Schulz, associate editor of YM Magazine and fad authority, reports that while electronic greeting cards are a "hot trend," for some people they are "so over." But e-proposals are another story. According to Schulz, the trend may erupt, but then "after it gets on the news how romantically some guy did this, it's gonna be over."
     As a whole concept, Schulz declares, "It's really pretty lame, I think." That is not to say that she would definitely deny an electronic greeting card proposal, "I guess it would depend on whether I really wanted to marry the guy or not. My feeling is, if I did want to marry him, I'd probably be so excited that I'd dumbly just gush YES all in caps, then ten years later I'd be nagging and bitching at him all the time that he never proposed to me properly."
     Neither Schulz, Hatcher, nor Bentson know anyone who has actually sent or received an e-proposal. 123Greetings, responding somewhat defensively, reports that while it doesn't have proof that the cards have resulted in marriage, "our wedding cards are very popular and we get regular feedback telling us that we have done them a great favor by letting them express their feelings to their loved ones in such a beautiful manner."
     In the olden days, couples communicated in person. If they were apart, they wrote letters. Remember letters? I suppose e-mail is more efficient, but since communication is the hallmark of a healthy relationship, and there is a fifty percent divorce rate, electronic proposals may not be the best way to start this eternal bond. Sure, at first Boy and Girl are happy as two pigs in shit. But the day may come when Boy receives an electronic greeting card. It is a heart, ripped in half. "Another One Bites the Dust" pounds through his speakers. His own heart pounds. Written in the "official" text style is the message: "Life is a long journey, and now it is time to part our ways. Let's divorce."

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